High Five! Comics

Green Lantern: First Fail

Posted on: August 10, 2009

Haln Wars: A New Fail

Hal Wars: A New Fail

Hey, have you seen the original “Star Wars” trilogy?

Yeah, of course you fucking have.

That is why you don’t need to see “Green Lantern: First Flight.”

First and foremost, this post is going to be full of spoilers for both “Star Wars” and “GL: FF.” If you haven’t seen “GL: FF,” but intend to, you should stop reading. On that note, if you haven’t seen “Star Wars,” but intend to, hurry the fuck up and get a clue.

OK, so, the movie starts with a crazy-brief “Emerald Dawn” origin scene (Abin Sur‘s death was already covered in New Frontier, so this is all right with me). Hal gets his ring and is immediately met by Kilowog (voiced by Michael Madsen, who they just recorded saying “poozer” and looped indefinitely), Boodikka [voiced by the 6th Cylon herself, that matters later! -M], and a surprisingly beefcake-y Sinestro. They take Hal to the Guardians who spend forever talking about how fucking lame humans are and after Yoda-ing for half an hour, they decide to Padawan Hal’s ass over to Qui G- I mean, Sinestro.

Hal & Sinestro’s first mission is to hit up the Mos Eisley cantina and track down the guy who killed Abin Sur. Oh, shit, is Legion in this movie? No, that’d be awesome. Instead it’s some no name electric squid guy under the employ of Kurtwood Smith (who somehow comes across more like Red Foreman in That 70’s Show than he does badass Clarence “Bitches, Leave” Boddicker from RoboCop). They find the killer by ring-forcing some space whore to trip out on a glow-y purple crack rock (I mean “moon ball,” kids, it’s a “moon ball”). She points, and Sinestro chases Squidly through the streets while Hal is hit with a rocket launcher, knocking him down into the trash compactor on the detention level. Squidly just happens to run into the sewer and Hal Jordan takes him out with a fucking folding chair (which, you know, says a lot about Abin Sur’s ‘abilities’).

Back on Oa, Boodikka and Hal have lunch. Boodikka tells Hal about the “yellow element,” a plot device resistant to the Green Lanterns’ power. After being tortured, Squidly tells Sinestro where to find Red Foreman, so the Lanterns leave Oa to hit up a spaceport. It’s revealed that Sinestro has totally Lando’ed the Corps because Red knows where the yellow element is, and apparently Sinestro needs the yellow element to make a weapon to spread fascism throughout the universe. Hal attacks Red, Red takes off in a spaceship, Hal gets in the spaceship, Hal kills a guy a la the Newborn in Alien: Resurrection, Hal gets his ass handed to him by Red’s magic wand. Fortunately, Sinestro shows up and TOTALLY DOESN’T shoot a construct bullet through Red Foreman’s chest because the rule about the ring not allowing a Lantern to use lethal force is well known HAHA FUCK THAT IT HAPPENS. Back on Oa, Sinestro frames Hal for the murder.

The Guardians take Hal’s ring away and toss him into the Lantern brig. Sinestro forces his ring-energy into Red’s corpse’s ear a la Wrath of Khan to get Red to tell him that the yellow element-weapon is on the planet Qward. But Sinestro gets caught when Hal, Kilowog, and Boodikka burst into the morgue during an inexplicable detour before discharging Hal back to Earth. Kilowog gets knocked out by Boodikka (re-Lando’ed!) [she’s a traitor! big shock there, #6! – M], Sinestro runs off to Qward, and Hal Jordan manages to channel his inner Flying Grayson to pull Red Foreman’s magic wand out of the ceiling, tossing it to the ground. He tricks Boodikka into shooting the wand, which explodes (oh yeah, there are nukes or some shit in it), and Number 6 ends up impaled on some strategically placed “Mortal Kombat” ceiling spikes that are in the Oa morgue for whatever fucking reason. I wanted to make a joke about Hal killing her “single-handedly” (because, you know, she only has one hand) but in a very un-“Star Wars” move, she actually never loses it.

[Well, Hal did cut off her hand, but that was later, when he was Parallax, right? But this movie doesn’t give a shit about continuity anyway; they should have gone with the Star Wars motif and lopped her hand the fuck off. Preferably with a green construct ring-beam a la Spaceballs -M]

Sinestro arrives on Qward (what antimatter universe?) and some giant spiders hand over the weapon, a yellow Central Battery! Sinestro puts on a yellow ring (with the Green Lantern symbol on it?) and becomes the founding and only member of the Sinestro Corps. Oh, no, wait, the power battery can float… And it shoot lasers… And it looks remarkably like the Death Star… Huh.

Back to Oa! The Guardians are talking to Kilowog about giving Hal back the ring (“You poozers poozered the ring from the wrong poozer, poozers!”) when Sinestro shows up and starts being all fascist-y. They try to Force push him but he Force pushes back and nobody really gets Force pushed anywhere. Then, the Death Star blows up the little room or whatever. Ganthet uses the Force again and moves a bunch of rocks until he finds Hal’s ring. Then the Death Star blows up the Green Lantern Central Battery, suffocating all the Green Lanterns who are floating in space and making it rain rings (I’m honestly shocked that Ganthet didn’t channel his inner Obi-Wan here). Hal gets pissed, punches the dead green element in the Central Battery, somehow turns into an anime character, and smashes the yellow Central Battery between two moons (how fucking R.A. Salvatore of you).

Now, the second that the Green Lantern’s Central Battery was destroyed, every single ring immediately lost its charge, killing thousands. Yeah, for whatever completely unexplained reason, that doesn’t happen with Sinestro and HIS ring so he and Hal duke it out in space. With one final “DragonBall”-style move, Hal air humps a giant laser out of his dick and knocks Sinestro to Oa. Kilowog steps on Sinestro’s hand, shattering the ring (because the fucking things are made out of candy glass or something).

The whole thing ends with a big award ceremony on Yavin 4. Hal Jordan leads the entire Corps in the oath which he “only learned this morning” (which is really weird considering that he was in prison in the morning and spent the whole rest of the day in a big fight). The oath ends very anti-climactically and he flies off to Earth to fuck Cowgirl or Carol or whatever. The end…

Yeah, my first post is a summary. Whatever… Look, this movie was clearly made purely for entertainment value, in stark contrast to the other DC Animated movies I’ve seen; which seem to stick fairly close to the canon of whatever they’re based on. Plus, the fucking thing was also so full of plot holes and bad dialogue (case in point, every fucking time Ch’p opened his mouth) that watching it a second time was unbearable. To be fair, I did watch it right after Reality Bites and that movie rules, so maybe I’m subconsciously comparing THOSE two movies.

As a matter of fact, look out for my next post, where I compare Sinestro to Troy Dyer.

“In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight…”

“What are you, retarded?”

“No, I’m rhyming.”

Final Score: Watch it. But only once. While drinking heavily. In fact, it could be a game – anything that fucks with or blatantly ignores basic established Green Lantern mythology? DRINK! Or better yet, just watch Star Wars. Or Training Day.


4 Responses to "Green Lantern: First Fail"

Rob, this was hilarious. And I just finished reading two volumes of GL, so I could actually understand what you were talking about.

Wow, you’re so cynical and kewel. Like, ironical and shit, brah.

The only thing this rad post needs is more swear words, just to make it crystalline clear that you’re like, almost TOO hardcore for nerd shit!

No, strike that – too FUCKING hardcore!

Well, got me pegged!

Yeah, we’re waaaay too fucking hardcore for “nerd shit.” Definitely. That’s why we read comics and care enough about a second string superhero to be disappointed that a movie about him kinda sucked.

‘Scuse me, I have to go have sex and play football now.

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