High Five! Top Ten! – The Most Ridiculous Villains We Could Think Of
Posted September 24, 2009on:
Comic book villains are notoriously ridiculous, see: the Batman rogues gallery. Honestly, one of the scariest villains in all comic-dom is a psychotic clown. When we think about these things too hard, it hurts our brains. But we suffer for our art, so here’s High Five!’s Top Ten! Most Ridiculous Villains We Could Think Of!
(10) Starro the Conquerer – Allright, Starro is actually a bit scary. I mean, he’s got mind control probes and he can use them to take over a planet which was STILL pretty scary when TNG did it. But at the end of the day, we’re talking about a giant starfish. Seriously. A giant star fish was the Justice League’s first big foe (not timeline-wise, appearance-wise, nitpickers). Starro’s greatest power is that he is integral in every telling and re-telling of the Justice League’s origin, which is pretty impressive for an echinoderm. This is why people look at me weird when I try to explain comics to them.
(9) Sugar Man – Sugar Man showed up acting like a total creeper in Age of Apocalypse, which might be one of the greatest examples of convoluted nineties Marvel storylines, but it’s also one of my favorites so I forgive it. Sugar Man is a four armed blob of evil from another dimension. He can shrink and grow at will, he’s got a razor sharp tongue, and he can put himself back together again – which is convenient if you look like a twisted psycho Humpty Dumpty.
(8) The Turtle / Turtle Man – The best thing about the Turtle is that there were TWO of them. Jay Garrick had his Turtle (whose slowness gimmick was meticulous planning) while Barry fought the Turtle Man (who had slowness-themed weapons). When the two Flashes met, so did their two Turtles, forming the worlds slowest alliance. After Wally showed up, the two Turtles tried to kidnap him. They forgot that he had friends in high places (liiiiike, the JLA Watchtower). The Turtleses were easily defeated and sent to jail. Occasionally, they still dig these lame characters out DC Comics Limbo and have them try to slow down all of Keystone City (in what must be the most lackluster issues EVER).
(7) Gentleman Ghost – The Gentleman Ghost doesn’t seem too threatening. Essentially, he’s got the exact same powers as Casper. And the best part? He’s so easy to take down! Find a virgin (try your local comic shop, OH DAMN!) and give them anything made out of Thanagarian Nth metal. Then tell said virgin to hit Gentleman Ghost with it repeatedly. Turns out that ghosts can’t touch virgins or pass through Nth metal. Hooray! The day is saved! I vote Devon Sawa plays him in the Hawkman movie, which probably isn’t in development. Yet.
(6) Double Down – OK, so if you lose all your money at Texas Hold ‘Em, what do you do? Duh, you shoot the guy who beat you and then the razor sharp (for whatever reason) playing cards will replace your skin. You can pluck them off and toss them at people! You can control them with your MIND! Best part? Double Down isn’t a freakish Silver Age holdover – he first appeared in 2001 in Geoff Johns’ Flash: Iron Heights. He’s a really gross evil Gambit. Think about it, he’s throwing his mutant ripped off skin at you. The Flash Rogues are nothing if not ridicu-larious, but ewwww.
(5) Blue Snowman – So the Blue Snowman is neither a man nor made of snow. No, she’s a bitter orphaned daughter of a scientist who invented a freezing beam to help humanity. Yeah, you read that right. So Blue Snowman threw on some dude clothes and decided she’d use the freezing beam for villainy, because really – are freezing beams actually good for anything else? Blue Snowman debuted fighting Wonder Woman in 1946, before anyone realized that the blue lady in the newsboy hat was probably into girls. She was probably into Wonder Woman, which is cool. But unmasked, Blue looked exactly like Wonder Woman. Creepy. God, Wonder Woman comics were so fucked up back in the day.
(4) Polka Dot Man – Polka Dot Man first appeared in 1962 wearing a suit with Polka Dots that he could pluck off and turn into pretty much whatever. Guns, cannons, a pink fluffy bunny. No one ever really explained why this guy felt the need to commit polka dot themed crimes, but did Batman’s rogues ever need a reason to be batshit crazy? He showed up again a billion years later, hit a cop, got the shit beat out of him, sued Gotham city, and got the cops sent to psychotherapy. And honestly, the Gotham cops should probably be going once a week anyway, so maybe Polka Dot Man served a greater purpose in the end.
(3) Spider Girl – DC’s Spider-Girl didn’t get bitten by a radioactive anything. She can just grow her hair at will like a fucking Play-Doh accessory. Let that simmer. Plus, she is also able to control her hair and move it like an extra limb. She has the power of being that dude with the beard from that creepy Skittles commercial. Seriously, her whole backstory is that she tried out for the Legion of Super Heroes, but really only to hit on the guys. She didn’t make it, so like all rejects, she went villain. She doesn’t scare me at all, I’m pretty sure I had a doll with that power. Raise her arm! Her hair REALLY grows! Wow!
(2) Turner D. Century – Turner D. Century has a sorta Robin-esque background. After his father kicked the bucket, he was taken in by an old multi-millionaire. The only difference was that this millionaire was pissed off at society for letting their manners go to shit. Solution? Raise young Turner D. Century as if it were 1900, down to the sweet handlebar moustache. Eventually, he took it as his mission to revert all social mores back to what they were pre-World War I (take THAT, minorities and women!) but he was defeated by Spider-Man and eventually killed by Scourge in the Bar With No Name purge. The best part about this totally lame Golden Age-like villain? He first appeared in 1980!
(1) Big Wheel – “Big Wheel?” Really, anything named “Big Wheel” should never be evil. Childhood: ruined. Apparently Big Wheel was a failed businessman who got caught sticking his hand a bit too deep in the company cookie jar. One blackmail led to another and he wound up the proud owner of a wall-climbing wheel. With guns. He dies, but this is comics so NOT REALLY, comes back to life (like you do) and decides to try to be one of the good guys by helping Spider-Man. Turns out crooked businessmen with big, gunny wheels don’t make good heroes. Who’da thunk? Also, now we know where Mr Garrison got the idea for his, um, dildo-powered monowheel.