Green Lantern Vol. 2 #48: Gardner Fox’s Secret Fetish, Revealed!
Posted September 27, 2009on:
OK, seriously, somebody tell me if I’m missing something here because I am totally fucking lost. Keith Kenyon was a guy who believed that drinking a mixture of gold and seawater would make him invincible. Since that scheme is the dumbest fucking thing I have ever heard of, Hal Jordan took him out with one punch. Ten issues later, Kenyon’s changed his name to Goldface, suited up in gold-plated armor, and has somehow gotten hold of a “gold gun” that shoots “his golden spray” (haha, ewww) that can turn people and objects into solid gold.
Man, Silver Age comics were fucking weird.
Anyways, the issue starts out with a pissed off Goldface (“the 24-Karat villain”) getting all set to rob a bank vault. Hal Jordan bested him before and Goldface is out for revenge! His plan is to turn some random security guard we’ll never see again into a solid gold statue and give Green Lantern an ultimatum: the security guard’s life for Hal’s!
Meanwhile, Hal (in his Green Lantern get-up) is getting all set to go Carol Ferris’ fancy cocktail party celebrating the release of “the Magnificent Girl in the Flying Machine,” a movie about Grandma Ferris which stars one Zu Zu Lamar (clearly a parody of then 49-years-old and five-marriages-in Zsa Zsa Gabor). Green Lantern shows up and immediately starts rubbing all up on Zu Zu (pissing off Carol) and this brings about some of the most horrible fucking dialogue I have ever seen in anything ever (and I’ve seen Juno). Seriously, check this shit out.
Hal’s racist Eskimo stereotype sidekick, Pieface, probably isn’t invited and is busy at the dentist getting a gold filling put in when it (along with every gold filling in Coast City) starts yelling at Hal about the solid gold security guard and Goldface’s challenge. Now, I’m not sure how Goldface pulled this off. It’s never really explained. At all. As a matter of fact, a lot of things happen in this issue with zero explanation as to how they were accomplished. I guess we’re just supposed to assume that Goldface can just use alchemy and turn anything into gold from anywhere. And then project his voice through that gold? Because… GOLD.
Hal meets up with Goldface and two of his henchmen in the Coast City Museum and the most lackluster fight ever begins. Hal takes out the two goons while spouting some ridiculous smack talk. He takes out Goldface by punching a henchman into a chariot (“You’re taking a Roman chariot ride — straight to jail!”) which careens into a wall which falls onto Goldface which flips the little man into the cup which makes the cage fall and then MOUSE TRAP! And then Hal takes the goons away and just leaves Goldface behind because the Silver Age Green Lantern was the Forrest Gump of comics (both retarded and endearing).
GL makes it back to the theater in time to see the movie screening. Or so he thinks! Goldface changes some of the marquee letters and a microphone to gold and yells at Hal again, telling him to meet him at the Coast City Gold Mines for a final showdown. Hal macks on Zu Zu’s hand and takes off, swearing that “Goldface is going to be Fool’s Goldface when I get done with him.” Really, dude? Really?
Hal gets to the mine and find that everything is bathed in a golden light, making his ring useless because this was the Silver Age and Green Lantern was still allergic to yellow. That’s cool though, since Hal really just wants to start throwing regular old punches at this point. He manages to take out all of Goldface’s goons and throws a wad of aqua regia at him (no way, actual science?) that does nothing (oh, nevermind). In response, Goldface sprays Hal with his “golden treatment” and turns him into “solid gold!”
Pffft. Solid gold, my ass. Less than one page after that, Hal has punched his way out of his chocolate Easter bunny prison. Less than one page after that, he discovers that the gold spray wasn’t actually gold (which begs the question, do I really want to know what it was?) and that Goldface’s helmet was what really turned everything to gold. Hal tricks Goldface into turning his own legs into gold, rips off his helmet, and turns the rest of him into gold as well.
But wait, Pieface has a good question. How the fuck did Hal get out of getting turned into gold? Easy! he just used his ring to rearrange the molecular composition of the air around him (although not directly around him, giving him an air pocket) and it was that solid air that was turned by Goldface’s alchemic powers! Then, while everybody thought Hal was a statue, he used his ring to turn the air pocket extremely gold, rendering the naturally soft metal shell brittle! See? It’s SO simple!
In the finale, Hal misses the movie but is able to hit up the after party. He snubs Carol when she asks for a dance but shares a moment with Zu Zu because Hal Jordan can fuck whoever Hal Jordan wants to fuck.
Damn, dude, that was weird. It’s worth noting that this issue was also written by Gardner Fox, the man who created both the Justice League of America and the Justic Society of America. It’s also worth noting that every single piece of Goldface’s dialogue in this issue could totally be a pee joke. Hmmm…