Things I Learned From Comics: How to Get a Nemesis
Posted October 14, 2009on:
So, you’ve gotten yourself some powers and established a secret identity, but if you’re gonna be a real superhero, you’re going to need an ass to kick. I mean, after a while, using your superpowers to take down petty criminals will start putting the cops out of a job. And we all know how productive bored cops are, right? When it comes to getting a foil, some guys have it lucky. All they really have to do is put on some Spandex and break up a bank robbery or two (see: the Flash’s entire Rogues Gallery). Chances are pretty good, however, that you’ll have to put a lot more effort into it. And remember, the first step to finding your mortal enemy is to always make sure that it was totally an accident!
(1) Reunite with your childhood enemy! Seriously, it doesn’t matter how much time passes, that one kid who hated six-year-old you is definitely going to resurface the second you slap on some tights and make a headline or two. It doesn’t matter which one of you was taking lunch money from the other, he still hates your guts. And since you ended up being a good guy, he’s pretty much destined to knock over liquor stores until you show up and give him a fight. O’Doyle rules!
(2) Make an ex really, really bitter! We all have those exes that we really wish we could forget. Problem is, they really, really don’t want to forget us. Somehow, they will come across a crazy power source and, dammit, if they can’t have you NO ONE WILL. The list of these cases goes on and on: Star Sapphire, Lady Deathstrike, Star Sapphire, Elektra, Jean Loring, and Star Sapphire! Sorry, super-ladies, this rules does not apply to you (whoa, whoa, don’t blame me, blame the industry).
(3) Get a double! Whether you get replicated via shadowy government agency, alien abduction, or the workings of a mad scientist, there’s a good chance somebody will try to clone or otherwise make a copy of you (or make a robot double of you.) I mean, who wouldn’t want a superhero of their very own? Except that’s not how comics work, like, ever. Most likely, they’ll end up with your looks, your powers, and the moral compass of a complete bastard. Then you gotta deal with at LEAST two issues of everybody thinking he’s really you and you’re a jackass. BONUS HINT: Fix this problem by taking the fight somewhere public. As soon as the first stereotype of an Irish patrolman rubs his eyes and says, “I’m seeing double!” your dignity will be restored.
(4) Foil a drug smuggling ring! Or any mob-based crime, really. The world is full of mob families, gang lords, and drug kingpins trying to make a quick bajillion dollars. These are the kind of guys who beat up old dudes for protection money and you’ll be damned if you’re gonna let these guys claim that this is their town! And when you take them down, they won’t handle it well at all: “Nobody makes a mockery of the Blah-Blah Family / Gang and gets away with it!” Let the years and years of fistfights bookended by “I’m just a businessman” speeches begin!
(5) Accidentally kill someone’s relative! Kill, indirectly cause the death of, whatever. Look, there will always be collateral damage in fights, there will be always be villains who won’t give you very many options, and, at some point, somebody will die. When this happens, their kid/sibling/second cousin twice removed will blame you. Look what Harry Osborn did when he saw what Spider-Man accidentally on purpose did to his dad! Actually, speaking of Harry…
(6) Alienate Your Best Friend! Bad news. Once you don the cape and tights, your best friend will try to kill you. I know, it fucking sucks, but it’s the way it works. One too many philosophical disagreements? Accidentally destroy that laboratory you built him? Take the last beer out of the fridge? Well, great, now you’ve done it. And the worst part is, chances are pretty good that he knows everything about you and will be your worst enemy. On the plus side, it makes that “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” thing one a little bit easier to manage!
Now go forth and kick ass!