Kona, Monarch of Monster Isle #5: Beware the Kitty Cat!
Posted April 14, 2010on:
I just realized that every single fucking one of my Silver Age Recaps has been a DC Comics book. Have I seriously become this subconsciously biased against the other publishers? Should I finally give in and do a Silver Age recap of a Marvel book? Nope. I mean, eventually, yeah. But right now I think I’d rather rub your nose in one of Dell Comics’ weird-ass products, Don Segall and Sam Glanzman ‘s Kona, Monarch of Monster Isle #5 from January 1963.
First off, I guess you need a little bit of backstory. Dr. Henry Dodd, his daughter Mary, and his grandkids Mason and Lily are flying over the Pacific Ocean in a blimp on their way to Australia to get Aborigines to help the Navy talk to aliens. Instead they fly straight into a storm and crash land on a island full of the cover to “Big Lizard in My Backyard.” After getting attacked by some big ol’ bats in a cave, they’re rescued by Kona, a neanderthal man (who, despite living on a tropical island, is whiter than Tipp-Ex) and his tribe. Afterward, Dodd teaches the tribe to use his ridiculously huge cache of guns and grenades (which he had why?) and become total BFFs, meaning Kona has to pull their stupid asses out of usually avoidable adventures time and time again. Awesome!
Kona #5 drops us off right in the action, with the best first page I have ever seen in a comic. EVER. Seriously. I’m not even going to describe this shit, just LOOK at it. FUCK YES.
Immediately, Kona jumps into action while Dodd wonders where the hell a giant cat like that comes from. Insert buttloads of exposition. Apparently, before Kona’s caveman crew showed up the island was used as a nuclear testing site where they tested how much fallout would be left from various sized bombs. They also kept a pet kitty cat named Amsat, whose main job was to run around and kill mice and be adorable. And then they fucking left him there. A few years of fallout later and Amsat was 30-feet tall with a taste for shark meat. As a matter of fact, he loved shark meat so much that he “feasted on these sharks with a wrath and satisfaction common only to killers driven purely by madness.” FUCK YES (again).
Finally, with the exposition over, we get back to the action. And holy shit, is it great. Unfortunately, Tim and Lex or whatever their names were are stuck under the paws of this giant cat. Fortunately, Kona and his tribe are a bunch of badasses and keep pet tyrannosaurs (as in more than one) for such occasions. One of them pops out of the ocean and brawls with Amsat, chasing it into the woods. Later that night, Kona comes to the conclusion that they need to kill Amsat or else he’ll keep coming back till they’re dead because Amsat is a cutesy-wootsy stone-cold killer. After ruling out digging a hole and shooting it, they come to the conclusion that they need poison, fire, and water.
Kona puts the plan into action with step one, setting the entire goddamn island on fire and cornering Amsat between the blaze and the ocean. Considering that Amsat is seen time and time again swimming in the ocean, I don’t know why this stops him, but whatever. Dr. Dodd fills a hollow arrow with some poisonous plant goo, gives it and an arrow to Kona, and tells him to go do his thing. After finding a dead rabbit, Kona dives into the ocean, climbs up on some rocks, and fires the arrow at Amsat. He takes out his knife (dear lord, where the fuck was he keeping that knife?) and pours bunny blood into the ocean attracting all those sharks. Amsat, driven by gluttony, dives into the sea to eat himself some shark ignoring his whole being-full-of-poison handicap. The sharks quickly gobble him up, leaving nothing but bones.
Dodd, Kona, and the dead weight decide that they need to leave the island and never come back. They hop onto their schooner (wait, where was THAT this whole time?) and take off. Hooray! Everybody’s safe! Oh, except when they get about 100 yards out and a giant fucking sea monster pops out of the ocean ready to eat the boat in a cliffhanger ending. You know, something tells me that Dr. Dodd has such shitty luck that he has to fight a giant spider every time he tries to go to Taco Bell or something.
But wait! The issue isn’t over! There’s a back-up story in here about Anak, some kid who crash landed in some jungle and is taken in by the Great Ape Thoth after he fights off the Serpent King and blah blah blah. Thoth and Anak come across a giant statue of Buddha and are attacked by a big-ass tiger. The Serpent King jumps out, bites the tiger, kills it, and everybody walks away. The end. What the fuck? What kind of back-up story is that?
Whatever. The best part of this book? Holy secret Christian agenda, Batman! Before and after the Kona story, there are a few essays about random shit. The first one is about the Emim, Rephaim, and Anakim tribes from the Bible and the second is about why cats and dogs hate each other so hard, chalking it up to Adam and Seth from Genesis. There’s also a weird-ass warning against using your cats in witchcraft. So, yeah. Don’t use your cats to conjure up Satan or anything.