Archive for the ‘Things I Learned From Comics’ Category
So, you’ve gotten yourself some powers and established a secret identity, but if you’re gonna be a real superhero, you’re going to need an ass to kick. I mean, after a while, using your superpowers to take down petty criminals will start putting the cops out of a job. And we all know how productive bored cops are, right? When it comes to getting a foil, some guys have it lucky. All they really have to do is put on some Spandex and break up a bank robbery or two (see: the Flash’s entire Rogues Gallery). Chances are pretty good, however, that you’ll have to put a lot more effort into it. And remember, the first step to finding your mortal enemy is to always make sure that it was totally an accident!
(1) Reunite with your childhood enemy! Seriously, it doesn’t matter how much time passes, that one kid who hated six-year-old you is definitely going to resurface the second you slap on some tights and make a headline or two. It doesn’t matter which one of you was taking lunch money from the other, he still hates your guts. And since you ended up being a good guy, he’s pretty much destined to knock over liquor stores until you show up and give him a fight. O’Doyle rules!
(2) Make an ex really, really bitter! We all have those exes that we really wish we could forget. Problem is, they really, really don’t want to forget us. Somehow, they will come across a crazy power source and, dammit, if they can’t have you NO ONE WILL. The list of these cases goes on and on: Star Sapphire, Lady Deathstrike, Star Sapphire, Elektra, Jean Loring, and Star Sapphire! Sorry, super-ladies, this rules does not apply to you (whoa, whoa, don’t blame me, blame the industry).
(3) Get a double! Whether you get replicated via shadowy government agency, alien abduction, or the workings of a mad scientist, there’s a good chance somebody will try to clone or otherwise make a copy of you (or make a robot double of you.) I mean, who wouldn’t want a superhero of their very own? Except that’s not how comics work, like, ever. Most likely, they’ll end up with your looks, your powers, and the moral compass of a complete bastard. Then you gotta deal with at LEAST two issues of everybody thinking he’s really you and you’re a jackass. BONUS HINT: Fix this problem by taking the fight somewhere public. As soon as the first stereotype of an Irish patrolman rubs his eyes and says, “I’m seeing double!” your dignity will be restored.
(4) Foil a drug smuggling ring! Or any mob-based crime, really. The world is full of mob families, gang lords, and drug kingpins trying to make a quick bajillion dollars. These are the kind of guys who beat up old dudes for protection money and you’ll be damned if you’re gonna let these guys claim that this is their town! And when you take them down, they won’t handle it well at all: “Nobody makes a mockery of the Blah-Blah Family / Gang and gets away with it!” Let the years and years of fistfights bookended by “I’m just a businessman” speeches begin!
(5) Accidentally kill someone’s relative! Kill, indirectly cause the death of, whatever. Look, there will always be collateral damage in fights, there will be always be villains who won’t give you very many options, and, at some point, somebody will die. When this happens, their kid/sibling/second cousin twice removed will blame you. Look what Harry Osborn did when he saw what Spider-Man accidentally on purpose did to his dad! Actually, speaking of Harry…
(6) Alienate Your Best Friend! Bad news. Once you don the cape and tights, your best friend will try to kill you. I know, it fucking sucks, but it’s the way it works. One too many philosophical disagreements? Accidentally destroy that laboratory you built him? Take the last beer out of the fridge? Well, great, now you’ve done it. And the worst part is, chances are pretty good that he knows everything about you and will be your worst enemy. On the plus side, it makes that “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” thing one a little bit easier to manage!
Now go forth and kick ass!
So, if everything went like it was supposed to, you’ve totally got some totally awesome superpowers. But, hold up! Before you can go around busting heads and making a name for yourself, you’ve got to get some kind of secret identity! Do you really want the press beating on your door? Do you really want Perez Hilton drawing (what I hope is) drool on your photos? Don’t worry, I’ve got your back.
Move to a major metropolitan area! If you stick around Smallville forever, people are going to figure out who you are the first time you decide to throw a grain silo. It’s pretty clear that you’ve got to sever all relationships with hometown folks (parents always excluded) and get your ass into a big city (preferably one named Noun City)! Check it out, not only will it be way easier to blend in, but it’s where all the action is! How many super villains ever really want to fuck up the lives of small town yokels?
Get a job in an inconspicuous field! Your job flipping burgers won’t last long once you get fitted for your sweet set of cape and tights. But where to turn? Have you thought about looking for a lucrative career in those fields that superheroes love: reporting, reporting, private investigation, or reporting? If the option presents itself, become a billionaire philanthropist is also a favorite (although if you had to splash yourself with chemicals for your powers, something tells me the billionaire option might be out of the question).
Figure out costume management! You pretty much have two options with this one. Either you can figure out how to get into and out of a super suit incredibly fucking fast or you can go around 24/7 wearing your full costume underneath button-up shirts and tear away basketball pants. My advice to you would be to stand in front of a mirror and practice changing a few hours a day. When it comes to the second option, well, Animal Man put it best. “Haven’t you heard about hygiene?”
Start dating a co-worker! Look, I know that people are always telling you “don’t shit where you eat,” but you’re a superhero. You can shit anywhere you want! Plus, they don’t even have to know that you’re really a cape, they’ll still cover for you when your perpetually-angry-yet-forgiving boss gets murderously pissed that you’ve disappeared again (and again and again).
That’s pretty much it. You’ve more or less been successful at covering all the bases (along with your own ass). And, what to do if somebody figures out your secret identity? Don’t sweat it! Within five issues they’ll either be killed, institutionalized, or married to you anyways. Sweet!
So, if everything went like it was supposed to, you’ve totally got some totally awesome superpowers. But, hold up! Before you can go around busting heads and making a name for yourself, you’ve got to get some kind of secret identity! Do you really want the press beating on your door? Do you really want Perez Hilton drawing (what I hope is) drool on your photos? Don’t worry, I’ve got your back.
So, if everything went like it was supposed to, you’ve totally got some totally awesome superpowers. But, hold up! Before you can go around busting heads and making a name for yourself, you’ve got to get some kind of secret identity! Do you really want the press beating on your door? Do you really want Mephisto erasing your marriage because you were a twit who listened to Tony Stark in douchebag mode and revealed your secret identity to the world and now you’ve got to undo it, IDIOT? Do you really want Perez Hilton drawing (what I hope is) drool on your photos? Don’t worry, I’ve got your back.
(1) Move to a major metropolitan area! If you stick around Smallville forever, people are going to figure out who you are the first time you decide to toss a grain silo like a football. It’s pretty clear that you’ve got to sever all ties with hometown folks (parents always excluded) and get your ass into a big city (preferably one named [Noun or Adjective] City. Or New York.) Check it out, not only will it be way easier to blend in, but that is where all the action is! Do any super villains ever really want to fuck up the lives of small town yokels? None. Unless you happen to be back home visiting your folks.
(2) Get a job in an inconspicuous field! Your job flipping burgers won’t last long once you get fitted for your sweet set of cape and tights. But where to turn? Have you thought about looking for a lucrative career in those fields that superheroes love: reporting, reporting, private investigation, or reporting? If the option presents itself, becoming a billionaire philanthropist is also a favorite (although if you had to splash yourself with chemicals for your powers, something tells me that might be out of the question).
(3) Figure out costume management! You pretty much have two options with this one. Either you can figure out how to get into and out of a super suit incredibly fucking fast or you can go around 24/7 wearing your full costume underneath button-up shirts and tear away basketball pants. My advice to you is this: stand in front of a mirror and practice changing a few hours a day until you can do it really fast without risking arrest for public indecency. If you managed to get super speed powers, this will be a snap. When it comes to the second option, well, Animal Man put it best. “Haven’t you heard about hygiene?”
(4) Start dating a co-worker! Look, I know that people are always telling you “don’t shit where you eat,” but you’re a superhero. You can shit anywhere you want! Plus, they don’t even have to know that you’re really a cape, they’ll still cover for you when your perpetually-angry-yet-forgiving boss gets murderously pissed that you’ve disappeared again (and again and again).
That’s pretty much it. You’ve more or less been successful at covering all the bases (along with your own ass). And, what to do if somebody figures out your secret identity? Don’t sweat it! Within five issues they’ll either be killed, institutionalized, or married to you anyways. Sweet!
Some people are fucking lucky. They get to be born on Krypton or have the X-Gene or whatever. They pop out of momma’s baby pouch ready to slap on some tight-fitting spandex pants and beat the shit out of bank robbers and super-villains. But what about the rest of us? We don’t have piles of cash like Bruce Wayne or Tony Stark, so what can we do to ditch the normalcy and become badass crime fighters? Don’t fret, hu-man! I’ve done the research and unearthed several tried and true methods to turn you from unimpressive to unfuckwithable in one easy step!
(1) Throw yourself in harm’s way- on purpose! First step to being a hero is having an awesome heroic origin (it’s got “hero” in it, duh). Matt Murdock shoved a blind man out of a truck’s path and got hit in the face with ooze. Bruce Banner shoved a kid out of the blast radius of a gamma bomb. Ronnie Raymond shoved his face into the fist of an angry guy trying to blow up a nuclear reactor. Did they die? No way! They got powers! They became Daredevil, the Hulk, and Firestorm! Next time you see an opportunity, go ahead and shove something out of or into the way of something else and accept your newfound abilities!
(2) Find yourself a powerful ancient artifact! If the shoving doesn’t work out, you just need a doohickey. Think about it. The Helmet of Fate, the Blue Beetle Scarab, the Tantu totem, the Trident of Lucifer, Mjolnir, the Cloak of Levitation, the list goes on and on. Chances are pretty fucking good that if you grabbed a shovel out of your garage and started digging right now, you’d have some sort of ancient power bestowed upon you by dinner time. Or you’d hit a gas main. Whoops.
(3) Douse yourself with radioactive chemicals! Or inject them, eat them, get bitten by a spider carrying them, whatever. Before he stood in front of a bookshelf full of random electrified chemicals, the Flash was just Barry Allen. Where would Ant-Man be if he didn’t go crazy with the Pym particles? And if there were no X-Kryptonite, there wouldn’t even be a Streaky! Can you imagine a world without a Streaky? No way. I don’t even want to try.
(4) Strike a deal with the devil! I know it seems pretty risky. We all saw that holophonor episode of Futurama. But look what a deal like that did for the Silver Surfer! Spawn! Ghost Rider! Robert Johnson! Come on, you and I both know that you’re not even using your soul. It’s just dead weight. Trade it to Nekron / Mephisto / Malebolgia / Satan and reap the rewards! The only real risk is that you might accidentally become the world’s best blues singer instead of a meta-human.
If you try all of these and all you end up as a crippled, soulless cancer patient with a fossil collection, don’t despair! There are always aliens ready to empower you for no real reason. ALWAYS.
High Five! Comics 